feel so lifeless. wanna go working but cant work now. only can wait till time i can start full time work. well anyway today went to watch movie transformer. and get a pair of adidas shoes. wanted to buy the bag also buy way over budget. shall wait till my pay come first. till then can only browse around. and still cough like hell and it gets worse especially at night.

felling so tired. don't know what wrong. been training all days but still can feel tired easily. cant keep eyes open in class or in bus or anything. sleeping disorder i guess. anyway these last 2 weeks have not been going gym as much as usual. shall continue my training by next week.

another thing is although i regret to admit it, but looks like i cant stop smoking. without it i feel so lethargic.

decided not to close this blog haha.. now time to write for fun. hmmm suddenly have strong urge to learn some music. maybe play a guitar. can anyone teach me how to play!!! and time to polish back my piano skill. long time haven't play my skill now very rusty. considering to find a good tutor who can teach me play it properly. its been 10 donkey years since i touch a piano. LOL

still looking around for a good degree course. wanted a degree that contain both accounting and finance but very hard to find. the best i can find is double major in both. none of double degree. however already decided to take a certified accoutant course which i must complete in 10 years. OMG!!! such a long time. well they say it's not easy to pass so they give 10 years to complete the whole programme. seems like i will stay here for some time again. maybe staying here for good.

and my sis coming next year to continue her studies here. and till now i haven't done any planning for her. shit!!! time is running out.... human can wait time to pass by but time never wait for anyone...

and i still coughing nonstop zzzZZZzzz...

time pass so slow. can't it go any faster!!! i want to forget about the past. but why when i starting to forget there is always something to remind me of it. am i not meant to forget it?

well finally i ready to move on. and maybe the time to close this blog has come finally. all my wishes and prayers only for you regardless of wherever i may be. good bye dear. wishing you eternal happiness.

finally the story of big bear and cutie pig ended here.

there is end for everything. i dedicated this entry for my ex. my dearest girl. maybe i should have said this long time ago. and if by any chance you read this, please forgive my foolishness. you are right i just refusing to see the truth about us for such a long time. maybe all this promises of waiting for you has make me feel so tired thus we ended up like this. and also making you so tired. but i am happy for you have find the man you love. although it's pain but as long as you are happy i will be happy. and i will always pray for you. the blessing you have been wishing to get when we seperated. i can give it to you now. i will always love you like before till now it never change nor will it change. sorry for me being such a coward not dare to say this in front of you. if fate really exist, may we meet again someday somewhere in this small part of the world. wishing you all the goodness of life. and sorry and farewell. I LOVE YOU..

learning how to live by myself

sold few sets of pc today. well at least can earn few bucks more. tomorrow sales target must break my today record lol. and my leg is killing me. checking my body muscle today. my left arm is way too muscular compare to my right arm. wrong regime of training. haiz sadded. and my right palm bone structure is very wierd. some how out of shape. punching the wall too much. haiz. sadded...

working is fun. now i realise i am workaholic. find pleasure in working LOL. sold 1 pc though it share work with fabian but fun haha...

last 3 days of holiday. finally found a job. well all the best for me. hope can sell as many com as i can. however, don't really like the place. have some memories there. but it's alrights. focus on the money. and my cough still there. haiz. think i have lung cancer. can finish the whole pack of cigarettes in a day now. haiz. addiction....

wish to go back for holiday. but don't wish to see my parents. is our 20 years of relation so fragile. my world is collapsing around me. in the end none i can depend on except myself.

been coughing all nights these few days. can feel my health is deteriorating. fated, you can run, but you cant hide from it. you reap what you sow. 10 years it shall be then. shall use the time to the fullest.

there is a limit to and for everything. my limit already reached. training for the whole full months physically tired. which is good can make me sleep at night dun need to think about anything. training and smoking nonstop. my body reach it's limit. too tired for anything. mentally and physically tired. my friends say i can go crazy if this carry on. but what can i do....

basketball day. but didnt play much. well i haven even really start play and e game already end. and when i really getting serious i end the game too fast. haiz... need to control my pace. one good thing though my friend told me i back at my old pace haha. nice... well at least i know my hard work and training doesnt wasted and still have some room for improvement. i still can go faster. guys please be patience with me. soon nothing can stop us in the basketball court. LOL...soon...

emo really can spread like virus. help friends to forget. and i end up feeling it myself. fuck la. well anyway final preparation for my work are almost done. can start do my work soon. hope all went well. and saw a shooting star few days ago. somehow it bright green. well anyway it nice. first time saw it and i saw it at nyp after basketball game LOL. weird things is keep on happening around me. and my brain. i keep on forgetting simple stuff i done recently. think i am having some brain disorder. getting old i guessed. one last thing. to my dearest friend if u read this. u owe me 1 pack mallboro menthol. and please stop throw my cigarettes!!!lol...

slowly losing my belief. maybe this is the best. when you lost something precious to you, is it really lost? or is it just waiting for you to find it? wish i am the wind. invisible, without form to roam freely the vast world. searching and searching and searching........ it's the only things i can do. when can i end this hide and seek game?

EMO season is here. well to all my EMO gang members. be strong dun lead yourself to astray. not worth it alrites.
hey cupid!!! you never do your job properly man. start shoot your arrows. this world need love badly.

wishing list:
1. new laptop
2. get my driving license
3. get TOYOTA RAV4(M)
4. find a double degree accounting and finance
5. growth up
6. lose some kilos
7. 1 million in my account before turn 25
8. get a motorbike

every obstacles in life will make you growth stronger. but it can also destroy you. it depends on how you faced it. faced it bravely and you will find your prized at the end of it. there is always light at the end of every dark and long tunnel. one way or another you will find the light. keep the flame in your heart lighted. it will guide you to your throphy. the throphy of your life. the most valuable treasure on earth. the prove that you have overcome all there is to be afraid of.

nothing much happened these few days. can say quite a boring days. my friend asked me a question today. he asked whether i want to stay in this place forever. if in the past i will answer it with full confident "YES!!!". but now a big question which hard to answer. there is nothing left that can hold me to stay in this place. i changed so much these time round. do things which i will never do in past. maybe this is my choice. choice of life. is this life the one i will walk on forever? another piece of my life puzzle found. take a step at a time. it is the only thing i can do now. time change but people change even faster than time. which 1 will survive in the end. time or people?

old illness come back again. keep on feeling sleepy for no reason. but it understandable since i only sleep few hours every night. think i must get some sleeping pills to help me sleep better. still i must find a way to keep awake. it's my last semester must work hard.

and 1 more thing i registered my tp test. final test before getting my driving license. well good luck for me. finally i can drive soon haha.

heavy resposibility. too much expectation from my family. they pinned all their hopes on me. this heavy weight i carry on my shoulder. i getting tired. when can i have my rest? when can i retire? when can i have my own space? when can i be myself? i have been a great cheater all this time. when can i show my trueself? how i longed for the home i will never find. the home i will never have. the home i will never feel. the home that is moving away from my grips. the invisible home i will never able to see. home that is gone from me.

went to australia university open house today. hmmm went there to find more info regarding my degree but doesn't get the right info i was looking for. so went to some other private sch to find out more. their offer is attractive but sound too attractive so have doubts in them. still don't know what to do what to choose. but my goal is set finance and accounting. shall search for it till i found one. must get my MBA before i turn 28.

then i suddenly remembered what my uncle told me once. in this working world there are 3 types of working man. first type is the man who work for money. second is the man who work for man. third is money work for man. of all the 3, the third is the scariest. it the highest you can go in your life. and my dream is to be the third type of man. shall see whether can turn it into reality.

keep on having headache lately. dun wish to take med hope can heal by itself. and my laptop giving me the same problem again. one after another all problems come. and my head feeling like exploding. this headache. if it getting worse maybe i should go see doc. now what can go worse??